On Envy

Wow!
I read my previous posts and see clearly that I have been obsessing over my sil for the last 10 years. i have tried different ways of dominating her, making her acknowledge me in her life but today i see that the various approaches i tried may have changed my relationship with her but have left me with the same feelings of heartache. these mind grooves have been so strongly imprinted that i must be a taking a lot of secret pleasure in obsessing.

why i cant isolate myself is the fear that i may lose something in the process - her acknowledgement.. however little... but i should realise that even my best attempts to fraternize have not yielded significantly. so what is it that still makes me want to stay in the muck of obsessing and hoping and wanting.

Can i give up thoughts about her without anger, without wanting to take revenge, without rancour, without wanting to bond? she seems to have moved on by isolating herself and contacting me only when necessary. I should do the same thing. Just isolating myself without anger from her may enable my mind to heal the grooves of obsession. not wanting to connect to her, consciously putting aside any thought of her/ her husband/ or her children. Not reacting when her name is mentioned esp by my mil or my hubby and separating them from her while admitting to myself that it is natural for them to mention her. Just treating her like a distant relative who i need to put up with for a while everytime the occasion arises without any bonding and ruthlessly disregarding my past endeavors or declarations to connect to her may be the answer.

Absolutely no reference to her from myside, ignoring and treating indifferently when there are outside references which i cant control, absolutely no expectations from her which leaves me free to act like i want to, handling any calls from her with distantness and firmness. Letting my husband and mil connect to her on occasions when necessary. And completely not wanting to bond with her at all... basically throwing out her memories like garbage from my system. I take this vow of not wanting to take revenge but of distancing myself from her completely for one year - i.e. till September 2011.