Envy

I no longer think am jealous but that am envious. Envy had crept into my soul some 10 years ago and it continues to grow even today firming its roots in my heart and shrinking my good nature. The other frightening thoughts that accompany envy are lack of affection and looking to unlikely sources for receiving them.
If it were not for my envy then how would i expand and grow spiritually. There is a huge tug of war between all that is decent and good natured and the degradity that envy brings and so far i seem to have fought a mostly losing battle.
Has god ordained that i shall struggle with this well into my late thirties as well as having let it cloud my twenties. I dont seem to be able to let go expectations from the other person, in return for having shown them my care/ concern and affection. I also resist closeness from the other person and then complain of glorious isolation. I dont know how to include and keep my sense of self alive at the same time.
There is this instant sense of hurt and disturbance which i see as a vulnerability in my heart and chest whenever her name is mentioned. I dont like he and, that i think she dosent care for me or show her concern to me in ways i appreciate, put off my hope and optimism. Am not strong enough to be consistently affectionate and generous without immediate reciprocation in the outset for long term gains.