Siblings!

I have tried harder these last few years to be friendly with my sister and give up my ego in some places.. but i dont see any result that i want. she just acts more distant and even forgets normal niceties with me. she dosent enquire if we have had a good time when we travel anywhere, dosent bother to check on us once in a while. I feel hurt.., but also difficulty in connecting with consistency in her world. i take some steps and if i dont get what i want, i fall back. how can i de-enlist her importance in my world so that i dont feel any more pain. she is self centred and egoistic and whatever efforts i have taken to be largehearted have all come to naught. she cant even respond to a 'we miss you' comment on facebook. how cold must the girl be!

School - nostalgia

Am now 33 years old and completely out of touch with school. But it creeps back insidiously. Am just a by-stander watching the old gang bonding on facebook with niceties and hearty echanges as though time had never passed. I feel steadfastly ignored even as i send feelers to old classmates. Sigh! is there no acceptance even after 17 years for creeps who just didnt know how to fit in and made the fatal error of deviating from tried and trusted paths.
there are still people out there who are treated like gods-with respect and awe and i just clutch my heart in pain and envy - oh to be so there! can i go to school once more in my lifetime - just to undo everything i did and recreate a new past.

On Envy

Wow!
I read my previous posts and see clearly that I have been obsessing over my sil for the last 10 years. i have tried different ways of dominating her, making her acknowledge me in her life but today i see that the various approaches i tried may have changed my relationship with her but have left me with the same feelings of heartache. these mind grooves have been so strongly imprinted that i must be a taking a lot of secret pleasure in obsessing.

why i cant isolate myself is the fear that i may lose something in the process - her acknowledgement.. however little... but i should realise that even my best attempts to fraternize have not yielded significantly. so what is it that still makes me want to stay in the muck of obsessing and hoping and wanting.

Can i give up thoughts about her without anger, without wanting to take revenge, without rancour, without wanting to bond? she seems to have moved on by isolating herself and contacting me only when necessary. I should do the same thing. Just isolating myself without anger from her may enable my mind to heal the grooves of obsession. not wanting to connect to her, consciously putting aside any thought of her/ her husband/ or her children. Not reacting when her name is mentioned esp by my mil or my hubby and separating them from her while admitting to myself that it is natural for them to mention her. Just treating her like a distant relative who i need to put up with for a while everytime the occasion arises without any bonding and ruthlessly disregarding my past endeavors or declarations to connect to her may be the answer.

Absolutely no reference to her from myside, ignoring and treating indifferently when there are outside references which i cant control, absolutely no expectations from her which leaves me free to act like i want to, handling any calls from her with distantness and firmness. Letting my husband and mil connect to her on occasions when necessary. And completely not wanting to bond with her at all... basically throwing out her memories like garbage from my system. I take this vow of not wanting to take revenge but of distancing myself from her completely for one year - i.e. till September 2011.

Envy

I no longer think am jealous but that am envious. Envy had crept into my soul some 10 years ago and it continues to grow even today firming its roots in my heart and shrinking my good nature. The other frightening thoughts that accompany envy are lack of affection and looking to unlikely sources for receiving them.
If it were not for my envy then how would i expand and grow spiritually. There is a huge tug of war between all that is decent and good natured and the degradity that envy brings and so far i seem to have fought a mostly losing battle.
Has god ordained that i shall struggle with this well into my late thirties as well as having let it cloud my twenties. I dont seem to be able to let go expectations from the other person, in return for having shown them my care/ concern and affection. I also resist closeness from the other person and then complain of glorious isolation. I dont know how to include and keep my sense of self alive at the same time.
There is this instant sense of hurt and disturbance which i see as a vulnerability in my heart and chest whenever her name is mentioned. I dont like he and, that i think she dosent care for me or show her concern to me in ways i appreciate, put off my hope and optimism. Am not strong enough to be consistently affectionate and generous without immediate reciprocation in the outset for long term gains.