Siblings!

I have tried harder these last few years to be friendly with my sister and give up my ego in some places.. but i dont see any result that i want. she just acts more distant and even forgets normal niceties with me. she dosent enquire if we have had a good time when we travel anywhere, dosent bother to check on us once in a while. I feel hurt.., but also difficulty in connecting with consistency in her world. i take some steps and if i dont get what i want, i fall back. how can i de-enlist her importance in my world so that i dont feel any more pain. she is self centred and egoistic and whatever efforts i have taken to be largehearted have all come to naught. she cant even respond to a 'we miss you' comment on facebook. how cold must the girl be!

School - nostalgia

Am now 33 years old and completely out of touch with school. But it creeps back insidiously. Am just a by-stander watching the old gang bonding on facebook with niceties and hearty echanges as though time had never passed. I feel steadfastly ignored even as i send feelers to old classmates. Sigh! is there no acceptance even after 17 years for creeps who just didnt know how to fit in and made the fatal error of deviating from tried and trusted paths.
there are still people out there who are treated like gods-with respect and awe and i just clutch my heart in pain and envy - oh to be so there! can i go to school once more in my lifetime - just to undo everything i did and recreate a new past.

On Envy

Wow!
I read my previous posts and see clearly that I have been obsessing over my sil for the last 10 years. i have tried different ways of dominating her, making her acknowledge me in her life but today i see that the various approaches i tried may have changed my relationship with her but have left me with the same feelings of heartache. these mind grooves have been so strongly imprinted that i must be a taking a lot of secret pleasure in obsessing.

why i cant isolate myself is the fear that i may lose something in the process - her acknowledgement.. however little... but i should realise that even my best attempts to fraternize have not yielded significantly. so what is it that still makes me want to stay in the muck of obsessing and hoping and wanting.

Can i give up thoughts about her without anger, without wanting to take revenge, without rancour, without wanting to bond? she seems to have moved on by isolating herself and contacting me only when necessary. I should do the same thing. Just isolating myself without anger from her may enable my mind to heal the grooves of obsession. not wanting to connect to her, consciously putting aside any thought of her/ her husband/ or her children. Not reacting when her name is mentioned esp by my mil or my hubby and separating them from her while admitting to myself that it is natural for them to mention her. Just treating her like a distant relative who i need to put up with for a while everytime the occasion arises without any bonding and ruthlessly disregarding my past endeavors or declarations to connect to her may be the answer.

Absolutely no reference to her from myside, ignoring and treating indifferently when there are outside references which i cant control, absolutely no expectations from her which leaves me free to act like i want to, handling any calls from her with distantness and firmness. Letting my husband and mil connect to her on occasions when necessary. And completely not wanting to bond with her at all... basically throwing out her memories like garbage from my system. I take this vow of not wanting to take revenge but of distancing myself from her completely for one year - i.e. till September 2011.

Envy

I no longer think am jealous but that am envious. Envy had crept into my soul some 10 years ago and it continues to grow even today firming its roots in my heart and shrinking my good nature. The other frightening thoughts that accompany envy are lack of affection and looking to unlikely sources for receiving them.
If it were not for my envy then how would i expand and grow spiritually. There is a huge tug of war between all that is decent and good natured and the degradity that envy brings and so far i seem to have fought a mostly losing battle.
Has god ordained that i shall struggle with this well into my late thirties as well as having let it cloud my twenties. I dont seem to be able to let go expectations from the other person, in return for having shown them my care/ concern and affection. I also resist closeness from the other person and then complain of glorious isolation. I dont know how to include and keep my sense of self alive at the same time.
There is this instant sense of hurt and disturbance which i see as a vulnerability in my heart and chest whenever her name is mentioned. I dont like he and, that i think she dosent care for me or show her concern to me in ways i appreciate, put off my hope and optimism. Am not strong enough to be consistently affectionate and generous without immediate reciprocation in the outset for long term gains.

Thoughts - on a relationship

What is an 'intense' relationship - the sinking/clutching feeling i get inside of me when her name is mentioned - am so relieved when i read in some books that other people go through it too and that am not a psycho.

pursuer-distancer - I pursue in anxiety and box myself and become extremely reactive and agitated. I now learn that the more one pursues, the other may become more distant and that its not abnormal. The calls to my sil for instance.

I know its not reasonable for me to expect her to behave in the following ways with me - being warm, talking in a friendly tone, listening with interest, sustaining/initiating contact with me over time, showing interest in what i do, giving me positive strokes, reaching me directly over the landline insted of through her mother or brother.

It seems i cant accept anything less even though i know she is not likely to do it, i feel i cant live with that, like am shortchanging myself.

The awareness that she has met my criteria on a number of occasions but i have rejected most of them so it seems am resistant to some of the closeness that i contradictorily want.

My sense of losing self in this fusion of togetherness that is, if am pleasant and interact the way my sil and mil want, it may be a happy ending for them but at the cost of me not having my sense of self.

how does the fact that i dont share any of my problems with my mother /father or sister affect the way i approach other relationships?

I learned that distance and cutoff are simply ways of managing anxiety.

I now relate to books on forgiveness, healing etc because this relationship troubles me. If it were not to be so, i wouldnt have anything to work on.

sharing more of oneself, without focusing on the 'right response' seems the way to go forward, but at the moment the right response is important to me and maybe i need to look into that.

Cooking solo

Packed off my mother-in-law to her daughter's house for 2 weeks. I needed a break! Thought i would find it difficult and strange to manage on my own with my 2 year old daughter, but have done quite well so far into the week. Today was a super day in terms of cooking for my husband and daughter. Prepared idly, vada, sambhar, chutney for breakfast and mysore rasam and ladies finger fry for lunch. everything turned out quite well. I relaxed in the evening and am feeling less driven than in the morning. for the night i have to turn to some inspiration to cook. Though its sandwiches am planning to make i do really well when i get inspired. maybe watching a cookery show will do the trick.

burnt hand

Am fed up. My mother while making puris spilt some hot oil on her right palm. my immediate reaction was concern and i got her cold water to bathe her arm in and applied burnol on her hand. then i mopped up the floor which had oil on it and wiped the kitchen counter clean. I was getting angry by this time that she had as usual focussed on too many things to do in the morning rather than preparing breakfast knowing that me and father would be hungry by 8:30/ 9:00. hence the last minute hurry burry and the oil spilling. typical of her. idiot. am so upset i vowed never to come again to my mother's place and stay during the summer vacation. my mother can accomodate and please all her relatives but she has little time to spare for my father and his likes and dislikes. Am convinced that she cares the least for my father and only worries about her brood - her mother, brothers, uncles etc. anybody she can emotionally blackmail she is accomodating and pleasing to any extent and people like my father, myself, my father's relatives she shows the other indifferent side. i want to run away from her influence as far as possible and that's what i did in the last 6 months - only visiting her once. we stay only 5 hours away by road. my dilemma is that my 2.5 year old daughter is attached to my parents and she likes being here because unlike bangalore there are a ton of relatives who keep dropping into my mother's house which therefore gives her company. unlike my house where i keep strict boundaries with people. i feel very guilty about that that i cannot give her good company when she is at my place. i dont think the answer is to leave her at my mother's place as i said i dont think my mother is a good influence. the same things that have frustrated me about my mother may frustrate her too.