Thoughts - on a relationship

What is an 'intense' relationship - the sinking/clutching feeling i get inside of me when her name is mentioned - am so relieved when i read in some books that other people go through it too and that am not a psycho.

pursuer-distancer - I pursue in anxiety and box myself and become extremely reactive and agitated. I now learn that the more one pursues, the other may become more distant and that its not abnormal. The calls to my sil for instance.

I know its not reasonable for me to expect her to behave in the following ways with me - being warm, talking in a friendly tone, listening with interest, sustaining/initiating contact with me over time, showing interest in what i do, giving me positive strokes, reaching me directly over the landline insted of through her mother or brother.

It seems i cant accept anything less even though i know she is not likely to do it, i feel i cant live with that, like am shortchanging myself.

The awareness that she has met my criteria on a number of occasions but i have rejected most of them so it seems am resistant to some of the closeness that i contradictorily want.

My sense of losing self in this fusion of togetherness that is, if am pleasant and interact the way my sil and mil want, it may be a happy ending for them but at the cost of me not having my sense of self.

how does the fact that i dont share any of my problems with my mother /father or sister affect the way i approach other relationships?

I learned that distance and cutoff are simply ways of managing anxiety.

I now relate to books on forgiveness, healing etc because this relationship troubles me. If it were not to be so, i wouldnt have anything to work on.

sharing more of oneself, without focusing on the 'right response' seems the way to go forward, but at the moment the right response is important to me and maybe i need to look into that.

Cooking solo

Packed off my mother-in-law to her daughter's house for 2 weeks. I needed a break! Thought i would find it difficult and strange to manage on my own with my 2 year old daughter, but have done quite well so far into the week. Today was a super day in terms of cooking for my husband and daughter. Prepared idly, vada, sambhar, chutney for breakfast and mysore rasam and ladies finger fry for lunch. everything turned out quite well. I relaxed in the evening and am feeling less driven than in the morning. for the night i have to turn to some inspiration to cook. Though its sandwiches am planning to make i do really well when i get inspired. maybe watching a cookery show will do the trick.

burnt hand

Am fed up. My mother while making puris spilt some hot oil on her right palm. my immediate reaction was concern and i got her cold water to bathe her arm in and applied burnol on her hand. then i mopped up the floor which had oil on it and wiped the kitchen counter clean. I was getting angry by this time that she had as usual focussed on too many things to do in the morning rather than preparing breakfast knowing that me and father would be hungry by 8:30/ 9:00. hence the last minute hurry burry and the oil spilling. typical of her. idiot. am so upset i vowed never to come again to my mother's place and stay during the summer vacation. my mother can accomodate and please all her relatives but she has little time to spare for my father and his likes and dislikes. Am convinced that she cares the least for my father and only worries about her brood - her mother, brothers, uncles etc. anybody she can emotionally blackmail she is accomodating and pleasing to any extent and people like my father, myself, my father's relatives she shows the other indifferent side. i want to run away from her influence as far as possible and that's what i did in the last 6 months - only visiting her once. we stay only 5 hours away by road. my dilemma is that my 2.5 year old daughter is attached to my parents and she likes being here because unlike bangalore there are a ton of relatives who keep dropping into my mother's house which therefore gives her company. unlike my house where i keep strict boundaries with people. i feel very guilty about that that i cannot give her good company when she is at my place. i dont think the answer is to leave her at my mother's place as i said i dont think my mother is a good influence. the same things that have frustrated me about my mother may frustrate her too.

fine balance

Amma refused to have a second maid as extra help in her house. I, who had gone to stay at her place with my daughterfor the summer vacation wished otherwise. I remonstrated with her and it ended up in an emotional fight. i felt all shaken up and weak after this incident. it seems like the flight from thought to emotional outburst is exactly 1 minute for me. will it ever improve ? My tendency to hang at that perfect line of balance belies that life will always have such instances for me... am of that type. i may improve the veneer but the outburst will not take long to follow repeated thought patterns. are other people so finely tuned to their inner instruments. Is it a curse for me that am tuned so. do i see it as a big minus or celebrate.

Sandakozhi

Sandakozhi was on Sun TV. Vishal and Meera Jasmine are amazing in 'Dhavani poatta deepavali' song. i thought that was one of both their best performances. Vishal was naive and confident at the same time. Meera - simply a charmer. i really really wish that god makes me a singer at least in my next birth with an amazing voice range that i can practically use. watching the movie brings alive so many things for me deep down from my gut. Like the ability to fall in love again, to have belief that one will meet wonderful people on trains and bus's, that life will have enchanting surprises in store and i will be much loved by friends and strangers alike. sigh!!!