What is an 'intense' relationship - the sinking/clutching feeling i get inside of me when her name is mentioned - am so relieved when i read in some books that other people go through it too and that am not a psycho.
pursuer-distancer - I pursue in anxiety and box myself and become extremely reactive and agitated. I now learn that the more one pursues, the other may become more distant and that its not abnormal. The calls to my sil for instance.
I know its not reasonable for me to expect her to behave in the following ways with me - being warm, talking in a friendly tone, listening with interest, sustaining/initiating contact with me over time, showing interest in what i do, giving me positive strokes, reaching me directly over the landline insted of through her mother or brother.
It seems i cant accept anything less even though i know she is not likely to do it, i feel i cant live with that, like am shortchanging myself.
The awareness that she has met my criteria on a number of occasions but i have rejected most of them so it seems am resistant to some of the closeness that i contradictorily want.
My sense of losing self in this fusion of togetherness that is, if am pleasant and interact the way my sil and mil want, it may be a happy ending for them but at the cost of me not having my sense of self.
how does the fact that i dont share any of my problems with my mother /father or sister affect the way i approach other relationships?
I learned that distance and cutoff are simply ways of managing anxiety.
I now relate to books on forgiveness, healing etc because this relationship troubles me. If it were not to be so, i wouldnt have anything to work on.
sharing more of oneself, without focusing on the 'right response' seems the way to go forward, but at the moment the right response is important to me and maybe i need to look into that.
